peripheral perceptions

a look at life from the corners of my mind

Friday Funny, October 1, 2010

8 Comments

Thoughts from comedian Aaron Karo’s column called Ruminations. There’s also a website where you can “ruminate” about life. Click HERE to add yours.

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

4. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

5. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

9. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

11. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

12. Was learning cursive really necessary?

13. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

14. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

15. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

16. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

17. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

19. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using “as in” examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in (10 second lapse)..ummm Goonies.”

20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it (thanks Mario Kart.)

22. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

23. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

24. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

25. I would like to officially coin the phrase “catching the swine flu” to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an undesirable woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

26. I can╒t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

27. Bad decisions make good stories

28. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

29. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

30. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

31. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.

32. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you╒ve made up your mind that you just aren╒t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

33. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

34.There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

35. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

36. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

37. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What╒d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

38. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

39. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light Internet stalking.

40. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

41. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

42. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

43. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

44. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

45. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

46. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

47. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

48. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

49. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

50. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

8 thoughts on “Friday Funny, October 1, 2010

  1. Some of these are actually hysterical. I’ve even done some and thought about some of these same things.

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  2. Always always you come up with the funniest Fridays!

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  3. #37? One of my absolute biggest pet peeves!

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  4. Ha, these were great! Number 38 resonates with me; I never seem to be able to meet the person I’m trying to get an interview with or run into anyone I know when I’m looking terrific and feeling my most confident. It does feel like a waste and, you rarely duplicate the whole package the very next day.

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  5. I am afraid to admit how often #2 happens to me, and #43 resonates with me also–just not my watch, but my cell phone clock.

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