Friday Funny: 2011 Advice 1.7.11

As we progressed through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door
without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money,
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar
because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas
without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap
in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex offender waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A WONDERFUL DAY…………..AND A HEALTHY 2011!

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13 thoughts on “Friday Funny: 2011 Advice 1.7.11

  1. Late to everything today (my computer has been crashing this morning… perhaps from not using a kleenex when I touched the key.

    But this is hysterical! Thanks for sharing. (I needed this.)

    Like

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